I need someone who could look right through my eyes and say: I see it. I see that you are suffering. I see your pain. Because I can't speak. I wish nothing more than I could just open my mouth and tell my therapist what's wrong with me. But I can't because I am ashamed. I feel guilty. I am scared that you'd be angry if I talk about it. It's so loud I my head and eventhough I barely dare to think those thoughts I am ashamed of them. Suicidal thoughts are back again. Those self harm thoughts are back, too. I wouldn't show ppl eventhough I hope for someone to ask to show my arms. But on the other hand that would be the worst, since I can't talk. So I'll just lay there and hope that these thoughts varnish before uni starts. Because these damn thoughts keep my head crowded and I need to focus.